Tuesday, February 15, 2011

For Gary

I’m not a patient person. To those who know me this is the understatement of the century! I don’t like to wait, and I most definitely do not like to be told “No”. It’s not that I’m spoiled; it’s just that I see “no” as a challenge. I was raised to never let anyone tell me I couldn’t do something. I was raised to believe that I can do ANYTHING. As long as I work hard. This is usually a good quality, and has helped me to achieve and survive so much. But sometimes, it’s a curse. I don’t know when to hold back, I have a tendency to rush headlong into things, to take on too much. I don’t have a clear understanding of my limits. Because, as far as I’m concerned, I can overcome any limits. Of course this is rubbish, I’m human and I cannot do EVERYTHING, ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT NOW.  But I’m also stubborn......I know a great combination. This makes saying “no” to me difficult. I kick and scream, and cry, and argue, and plead, and sulk, and try anything I can to get around that “no”.

This was highlighted in bright neon recently when Gary said “no”. “No honey, you can’t go straight back into studying. We all need a break, me, Cas and you. We need some time as a family. We need to get the money straight.” I knew he was right. We did need to spend some time together and we did need to sort out money. I needed to find a job. Cassius had missed me terribly the last few months of my degree, when I was locked to the desk studying. I knew he was right, and still I railed against him. I argued, I rationalised, I explained that it would be fine, we could sort everything out and I could still go back to studying. His answer remained the same “No.”

I got angry with him, felt he was being unfair. He knew that I wouldn’t go against him, that I wouldn’t go back to studying without his support. I felt like our relationship was being held to ransom.

Truthfully, though, the reason I didn’t go against him is trust. In the 6 years we have been together he’s NEVER let me down. So despite my frustration I trusted in him, in his judgement and in his love. I knew in my heart that he wasn’t just being mean, that he had valid reasons and that he had my best interests in mind.
Turns out, he was right, waiting was the best thing. I was in such a bad place over the summer. Things had been rough, and I was at the end of my emotional tether. I couldn’t handle any more, and Gaz knew it. He fought against me, against my friends, even against Cassius (who advocated for me often, bless him). Gaz took it all, all the blame, all the anger, all the frustration and with love and patience he told me “no”. And I love him all the more for it. I am in a better place now.

With time off I have pulled back my focus, found my calling again and I’m happy with my chosen path. I’ve had time with my son, which is so, so precious. And I’ve had time for me. I’m ready now, I know it and so does Gaz. In fact, the truth is we’re ready for the next step on our journey. We’re in it together. And for that I am unbelievably grateful. I can’t imagine doing this alone.

The point of this post, the thing I’m trying to get to is this: Thank-you Honey, for saying “no”. For being firm and steadfast, for holding me back when I most needed it and didn’t realise. I know it was hard for you, harder than I can probably understand, and I know that it takes real love to be able to do it. Thank-you for loving me enough to say “no” to me. 


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